Ladies and gentlemen
Hobos and Tramps
Cross eyed mosquitoes
And bow legged ants
I stand today, before you
To sit down beside you
To talk about something
I know nothing about
Admission is free
So kindly pay at the door
Pull up a chair
And have a seat on the floor
Yes my fellow Americans, it is time for me to take control and announce my bid for the presidency of The United States of America. I will be running on the Green Stamps platform and I can promise you big changes. The biggest changes that you have ever seen and they will be something spectacular to watch. I will make America the greenest and greatest. I will float like a butterfly and sting like a bee. I will be the greatest leader, humanitarian, Prophet, speller of words, and all around super hero the world…nay… the universe has ever seen.
I will build a wall all the way around America. It will be the greatest wall the world has ever seen. It will make that thing in China look like a child’s Lego wall. My wall will have gates made of gold and the roads will be made of yellow brick. Unlike when China asked the Mongolians to pay for their wall, I will shoot glitter out my ass and it will turn to money. It will be more than enough to pay for my wall.
I have already cured cancer, diabetes, heart disease and erectile dysfunction and sometime after I am elected, I will tell everyone about it. It will be the most glorious thing mankind has ever seen.
I will create so many jobs. I will create more jobs than anyone has ever created. I will create jobs that create themselves into other jobs. Corporations will be begging you to work for them. How will I do it? The answer is so simple I can’t believe no one has done it before. But I guess they did not have the IQ that I have. I have the greatest IQ that the world has ever seen. My IQ is so high that the highest IQ can’t even see me. I will pass a law that in order to qualify for employment you will have to buy it with a book of Green Stamps.
I will stop all violent crime. If you try to commit one of these acts, my Space Force will blast you with one of their lasers. No questions asked…bip, boom, bang…done. Voila, no more rape, murder or robbery. I will pass a law that says it is now legal to commit any non-violent crimes as long as you can pay the required number of Green Stamp books for said act. If you try to commit any of these crimes without paying your dues, well…bip, boom, bang on you. See that joke I made there. Man I tell you, I am the greatest joke teller the world has ever seen. I can tell a joke better than any joke has ever been told. I can tell a joke so well that when people on the street pass me, they say to each other, “What a joker he is.” That’s how good I am.
I will replace ‘Obamacare’ with ‘Jerry Cares More’ health coverage. Each doctor’s visit will cost you one book of Green Stamps. Surgery will cost two books, etc. This makes my healthcare plan free because you actually paid for the stamps and not the healthcare. We all know that getting free stuff from someone else’s hard work is the American dream.
I will solve our immigration problem by opening our borders to anyone who wants to pass through my glorious Golden gates and walk down my yellow brick pathway. The price of admission will be 10 books of Green Stamps.
I will solve gun control issue by getting rid of the word control. I will sell a weapon to any Tom, Dick or Harry. That way we know they won’t be Muslim or Mexican because they are all called Mohammad or Jesus. Problem solved. Only a great, and brilliant mind like mine could come up with such a simple solution. That is why the press keeps calling me a simpleton. The cost per gun will be…one book of Green Stamps.
I will abolish Social Security and replace it with ‘Jerry Loves Old People’. I would tell you all about how this Green Deal works but I don’t want to bore you with details. Just trust me…and you know you can trust me because I said you can…It will be the greatest thing the world has ever known. It will not only make America the greatest country in the universe, but you, my white, rural, blue collar worker friends will become rich beyond your wildest dreams.
Remember our slogan my dear friends. If your white, your right. If you’re black go back. If you’re brown, get out of town.
So don’t forget to send me all your money now because after I’m elected you won’t need it anymore.
Paid for by the “If you don’t believe me then why in the hell would you believe Donald Trump” committee.